full grown woman

Good Day

I have a few problems at the moment, but today ended up being a fine day. Nothing big or earth-shattering happened, but just a lot of little things.
I took a long walk in one of my favorite parks, with one of my favorite and oldest friends. We don’t get to see each other as much as I would like because of kids, work and life, but it was as if no time had passed. We laughed, did a little crying, a lot of talking and it just felt good to know I have a friend like that.
It was pretty hot for Colorado, 97 degrees, but it felt good to feel the heat on my face, smell the grass, and be a part of the buzz of happy, exercising people in the park.
Afterwards, we went to Mecca Grill for a DELICIOUS plate of baba ganoush, hummus, warm pita, and some delicious grilled meats and rice and tabbouleh. It was one of the best lunches I have had in awhile.
I went home and did a few things around the house and then had a pleasant afternoon/evening with the kids as they played and did homework, respectively.
Then we put the little one to bed and enjoyed a dinner of grilled chicken and fresh from the farm sweet corn. I would like to publicly announce that there is nothing better on the planet than fresh, hot sweet corn with a little butter and salt. Nothing.
Now we are relaxing and listening to the crickets chirp outside and enjoying the cool breeze that comes with sundown in Colorado.
Happy.

To Tri, or not to Tri.

In November of 2008, I wrote this post; and in it, I swore I would one day complete another triathlon. I think when I wrote that, I might have been feeling pretty low and needed to find some way of expressing hope. My shoulder was way out of whack, I would face surgery, surgery complications, and I have gained 40 pounds (give or take) since the last triathlon, and I wasn’t skinny at that one!

This spring, my friend asked me if I wanted to sign up for the Tri for the Cure. I had the e-mail in my inbox, staring at me, and I had been unable to delete it. It was nagging at me. So, I said that I would sign up, if she would.

We did, but as the spring and summer wore on, so did our resolve. She met me for lunch about two months ago and confessed she didn’t have it in her to do it. And, while I was disappointed, there was also great relief. Now, I had an out. With no partner, who would know that I gave up.

Except, I would know.

For those 2 months I had a sheer panic attack in my stomach, thinking about doing it, knowing I hadn’t trained much, knowing I was fat, incapable, tired, depressed…

But, something waaaaaaaaay deep down in my gut wouldn’t let me quit. So, I found out another acquaintance from a message board I used to be active in, was doing the race. Somehow, against my better judgement, I asked her if she wanted a buddy. Turns out she was in the survivor wave, so I couldn’t race with her, but then she asked me if I wanted to do an open water swim with her.

And somehow, I got up early the next day and went with her. The water was cold, but it felt glorious to be out there, gliding through the water and hearing the rhythmic splish, splash with every stroke. We brought our bikes and rode quickly around the reservoir, and at times it felt really good to feel the wind on my face and to have my lungs ache with hard work.

The date of the race was August 7th. Every day for two weeks until that morning, I went back and forth, giving myself permission to quit and refusing to quit all in the same 5 minutes.

And then the time had come and I had a ride and it was too late to back out. We arrived at the parking lot around 4:50 am. Everything was quiet and dark except for my mind. It was screaming, “what in the HELL are you thinking?!?!?” “You are tooooo FAT and slow and pathetic to do this race!” “You are going to come in last, or worse, not finish, and everyone is going to laugh at you.”

Nice, right?

We made our way to the transition area, which was a good mile walk or so, rolling our bikes along and carrying the rest of our gear. There were only a few racers there so we had our pick of rack position in our respective waves. Her wave was 2, mine was 23, which gave me plenty of time to feel a whole ton of regret, and to develop a blister on the bottom of my foot.

I tried to relax into the moment and make small talk with the ladies who were racking next to me, but my nerves were on overdrive. I asked around for some tape for my foot and found some athletic tape at the station where they had extra swim caps. I quickly wrapped a strip around my foot to cover my blister and thought that I should go ahead and get my swim cap on and make my way over to the start as there were only 5 waves to go until mine.

And then, God gave me some much needed courage in a moment where I had none. I thought about my step-mom, Betty. Last summer, she had to have a double mastectomy and then chemo to fight that beast we know as cancer. She faced all of that with such grace and bravery. And, here I am, scared to death of doing a voluntary race. Something I CHOSE to do. And, with some tears in my eyes, I eased my way to the start.

It was absolutely and positively amazing getting into the water with all of those women and hearing the start horn blast. The start of the swim was chaotic with frenzied paddling, kicking and splashing. My heart was racing but this was one area I knew I didn’t have to worry. I had some of my only positive thoughts during the swim. I felt strong and confident as I passed swimmer after swimmer. I even passed some swimmers from previous waves! It felt nearly effortless and fast. I just kept my eye on the next buoy and just kept on swimming and I felt SO good about myself. They had volunteers at the end of the swim to pull you up and out of the water, and as they did that, I felt elated that I had finished the swim and simultaneously full of dread at what was to come.

The walk back to the transition area for my bike was difficult because my feet were slippery and slipping out of my flip flops. But, I was grateful for having them because the pavement was uneven and painfully rocky without them.

I got to my bike and dried my feet off and shoved my feet into socks and then my shoes and tried to calm my breathing and my mind. I slammed my helmet on my head, slipped my glasses on and started the seemingly long walk to the bike start. My mind started to relax as did my body once I was on my way. I tried to remember to hydrate and drink and enjoy the ride. I do remember feeling a sense of dread when I passed the 1 mile marker and thinking to myself, “What!?!?!?!? ONE mile?!?!?” but other than that, I was in the moment again, enjoying the air on my face and trying to focus on breathing, passing some people and making good enough time to not be last.

I found a companion on the way and we rode the last couple of miles together. We sailed into the bike finish and then I felt somewhat positive that I was going to actually finish!

That feeling quickly faded as I saw the runners ahead of me ascending a long hill to a hot, completely exposed road above my head. But, I put one foot in front of the other and kept on walking. I really wanted to be able to jog a little, but I couldn’t. It hurt to breathe! There were many, many times on that walk that I wanted to quit. I kept thinking, it’s ok…you’re just too out of shape and you didn’t train. Just give up and don’t worry about it. At the same time, there was this small, quieter voice that said, “you can do this…just make it to the next marker.”

Finally the turnaround provided downhill relief and the walk became easier, but it was still arduous. And then, the crowd that was leaving after finishing their races, started to cheer. And, it was for me! I heard whoops and hollers and “You GO girl!! You GOT this!!!” and my feet moved faster and my chest lifted and I jogged a little. Finally the finish was in sight and I once again picked up my pace and ran to the finish.

I was so completely spent and elated that I felt nearly empty and so happy all at the same time. My sweet husband and daughter were there to congratulate me as was my friend in the survivor wave.

It turns out I swam faster, by two minutes, than I did in 2007 and my bike pace was also faster. Not too shabby!! And, I didn’t finish last. Not by 85 people or so.

So, now that it is over…I can say, I did it. I finished. I did what I said I would do. And that part feels awesome. But, there is still a nagging voice inside that won’t let me enjoy my victory. Because the pounds are still there. I still grapple with a food addiction that I can’t get over. I am working on it, but I don’t feel always hopeful that I can conquer it. But hopefully, I’ll be able to look at my medal and think that it’s possible.

Stress.

I figured it was time that I updated my little blog even though I am still feeling like I have nothing fabulous to say. So, this is a “fake it ’til you make it” post.

We’ve had a enormous little amount of stress around here lately in terms of our childcare arrangements. When I went back to work in November, a friend volunteered (more like jumped at the chance) to watch Lily. She had done some limited childcare in the past, I knew her, and she was willing to be flexible with my part-time schedule. She needed the money and I needed someone to watch Lily, so it seemed like the perfect fit. However, I squelched a lot of misgivings I had about the arrangements and that was my first and biggest mistake. I had seen this “friend” treat others really poorly and most of her childcare clients had left on negative terms. She explained it away and I gave her the benefit of the doubt, even though deep down I really new better.

It didn’t take long before she started showing me why I had those misgivings. I won’t go into to details, but over time…she kept on showing me, and kept showing me. And I kept squelching.

Finally, I couldn’t ignore the symptoms of an abusive relationship anymore and I decided to end it. Unfortunately, it meant an end to our fragile friendship too. I am still hurt, grieving, angry and sad.

Lily started going to a new home preschool this week, and so far it seems like a really good fit. She is professional, organized and the children all seem to adore her. Lily has been having a grand time and is quick to tell me goodbye and run off to play and learn. I won’t say it has been easy for me to drop her off, but I suppose it is better that I have the tears rather than Lily.

I now know how important it is to listen to that small voice. The one that tells you, “This person is showing you their true colors. Believe them.”

Poor neglected little blog.

Admittedly, I’m not a very good blogger. Mostly because I don’t do it unless I am really feeling like it and I guess I don’t often really feel like it. I get caught up in the thinking like, “who cares to read about this” and “FaceBook is all the ‘blogging’ I have time to do”.

I also feel like I’ll come up with a really good post in my head, and then by the time I have a minute to sit down and blog, eh…it doesn’t seem like such a great post anymore.

Sigh.

Ridin’

Sometimes I get crazy ideas in my head. I decided I would ride my bike to work. Crazy. 14.7 miles of crazy.

I haven’t really ridden my bike for over 3 years. Crazy.

But, I did it! And, it was pretty great. I’ll write more soon about it.

Gratitude

I’ll readily admit: I’m a complainer. Not my most attractive quality. But, every once in awhile, God will impress upon my heart an attitude of gratefulness and make me keenly aware of how incredibly blessed I am. Here are a few examples of how that went:

Exercising today: I was often tempted to feel complain-y about the pain of a particularly intense move or how my lungs burned a bit or how my fat was a little too bouncy. (Did I just type that?) But, He whispered in my ear, “Be thankful that you can move. Look at the beautiful pool you have to work out in, feel the strength in your muscles. You are blessed!”

Despairing at the mountain of laundry: Oh how I LOATHE laundry. The stain treatment, the washing, the drying, the hauling up and down stairs (or pleading for my husband or kids to do it) the folding, the hanging up, the sheer never ending-ness of it all. But, today He said, “Look at the abundance and array of clothes you have. Clothes for every season. Many styles and colors. All provided for you.” I instantly thought of those who have no clothes. Who brave the elements naked, or under clothed and was humbled.

Vacuuming the carpet: This is a job I actually like but today He said, “Isn’t it amazing that you walk upon wool? It feels so soft under your feet and keeps the chill off. It is a soft spot for your children to sit as they play with their many toys. You have been blessed!” I thought of my house, my toilets (yes, even those!) my bed, my full refrigerator. I thought of not only all of the modern conveniences I have been blessed with, but also the things I have in my home just to make it pretty! Art, pretty towels, trinkets, paint. Wow.

Noisy children enter the house with their usual din of chaos: This sort of drives me nuts. It jostles me. Makes me feel stressed. But today, my Lord was faithful to remind me, “Look at them! Healthy, bright, full of life.” Immediately, my thoughts turned to those who have children with illnesses, children who have died and those who struggle with infertility and would give anything to hear the din. I am once again humbled and praise Him for my children.

If I allow myself to meditate on every way I am blessed, it is nearly unbearable to think of how He has lavished me with blessing. My life, my family, my friends, my possessions, my health. Unbearable.

I write this post today so that I have a reminder of how blessed I am and to say to you, be ever grateful. Praise Him for all you have been blessed with.

Quilt for Julia

I recently became an aunt again, to little Julia Scarlett, my sister-in-law Karen’s first child. Well, of course I had to make her a quilt!

I decided to use my Accuquilt Go cutter and use the large tumbler die and then use a variety of prints to give it a scrappy look:

Here’s the back:

I really love the way this quilt turned out. It was pretty quick to put together the top. The challenge came when binding. I’ve never bound anything but a couple of mug rugs, and with the irregular border, this was definitely a crazy way to attempt binding my first quilt. I machine bound both sides. In the future, I think I would hand sew the binding to the front. It would just make it look much more professional and neat.

Sunglasses Cases!

The Front Range Modern Quilt guild recently had a fun little swap planned for our meeting. Sunglasses cases! I always appreciate that the swaps so far are something small and manageable so that I can participate and learn a new skill without it taking too much time.

Here was my submission:

And this was the case I got in return:

I literally squealed with delight when I picked this one. It is SOOOO CUTE!!! The little pintuck detail is TDF.

Busyness.

Well, once again I find myself too busy to write in my blog doing all the things one would put in a blog. I often find myself wondering how people like Ree do it. Seriously. She posts nearly every day, sometimes multiple posts a day! I can’t even keep up with my laundry!

So, I’m promising there will soon be posts and pictures about sewing, our kitchen project, kids and a few other things. Soon. But not too soon…because I’m busy. =)

My mug rugs…

Melissa was kind enough to take pics of the mug rug I made for her for the Front Range Modern Quilt Guild’s first swap.

I really enjoyed making this. I got to practice quilting, machine binding and my applique skills!

Our next swap is a sunglasses case that I haven’t started yet. Eeek! I had better get busy!